So it’s been what..two years?? I always find comfort in writing when I am feeling down.
Over the past 2 or 3 years I have been struggling to keep myself from falling apart. I have periods of highs and periods of lows. I feel as if I make lots of effort to better myself, but still I am greeted with disappointments and set backs. Sure, everyone in the world experiences some bad patches here and there, but I honestly can not think of a time where I have been completely happy and content with whatever I was doing in my life. I always want to do better, but it seems like although talent and wants are distributed widely among the world; however, opportunities are lacking. Maybe I am moving too fast? Or wanting too much too fast? IDK… I know what I want and I know why I want those things, but it seems as if opportunities just aren’t there for me right now.
It is honestly disheartening to feel as if you have to settle for the things presented to you when you know you can do better, but aren’t given the opportunity to be better. Nothing should feel beneath you, in the sense that you should always remain humble, but we are so conditioned into being told not to settle for some things, so why are we expected to be gracious and humble enough to settle for those other things. I’m not naming specifics because the things I won’t settle for may not be the same things you would consider.
Having a master’s degree in STEM as a minority woman has proven to be extremely difficult as far as even getting my foot into the door. I’ve come to the realization that I need to do other things until I can get where I want, because honestly if I don’t I will be either homeless, or living somewhere I don’t want to– it would just send me right back to square one. I am considering my artistic abilities, but I know that won’t guarantee me financial security.
Life is hard– harder for some than others and the world is cruel, but faith, love, and hope have been dragging me forward. The selfishness of suicide keep it in the darkest parts of my mind, but it’s there. It makes me sad, but it doesn’t hold me back. It pushes me forward. It forces me to be a better me, to attend life and not just view it.