So, I don’t often find myself asking what if I’d done this instead of this, or what if I reacted a different way. Don’t get me wrong there have been times I’ve done that and there’s only one time that has stuck with me years later, but that’s not what this post is about. This post is about relationships. Whether they are friendships, family-ships, intimate-ships, and anything in between.
I’ve been single for a few years now, May 1st will mark the date my life changed and my then boyfriend blamed me for things that were out of my control. He stuck around a little while after that, but emotionally he was gone that day.
I find myself seeing potential in someone and falling in strong like with that potential and not necessarily the person and according to the wonderful world wide Web of lies we are fed these days, it’s because I’ve been single too long.
But here’s the thing… I don’t mind being single. I like being in control of my time and not having to incorporate someone else’s schedule, feelings, or emotions. I also don’t mind being with someone sometimes. Not in a physical way, but an emotionally intimate way. I want to be held and feel protected. And I think I’ve found the potential for that. There’s only one problem: in his eyes I’m another notch in his belt. He blatantly told me he wants to have sex with me. I like that he’s up front, but I don’t like that that’s what he sees when he looks at me. I want him to be my friend, be someone I can confide in and love on. Someone who can rely on me to give them the feeling a dog has when he sees his owner come home from work (unless said dog has found joy in teepee’n the house with the jumbo roll of toilet paper from the guest bathroom). I want to enjoy each other’s company and crave one another’s approval, attention, and appreciation. Is that too much to ask? What if I’m expecting too much?
My window of opportunity with him is slowly, but surely closing. If you haven’t realized it yet, he’s the guy from my last post. The one I’m falling for, haven’t met, and will be losing him to the same thing I found him in, the military.
I think if our situation-ship goes to a friendship and then anywhere near a relationship, I’d be okay with him deploying. Yes, of course I’d be sad. I’m sad now and we haven’t even met! 😳😞 But he loves being a soldier and I would never keep him away from that even if it meant I’d be sad and lonely. If the potential I see is met, I know I’ll miss him to an extent where it physically hurts, but I’d rather be happy knowing he’s not only protecting me, but our country, our present, our future.
We have differences, but I’m willing to accept his if he accepts mine. It’s weird for me to actually want to be in a relationship (it usually just happens), but I feel like I’ve already given myself time to heal and prepare to open up to someone. I’ve learned to spare the details of the past if they’re even brought up… to live in the moment, to enjoy the now and to not ask what if he doesn’t feel the same way, what if he changes his mind, what if I screw this up, what if?